


What I Found of You

by uncaringrose



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, I made myself sad, Other characters only mentioned, Pidge is the main focus, her parents are also talked about, she/her pronouns for pidge, this was just a quick thing i wrote
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-30 12:45:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8533588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uncaringrose/pseuds/uncaringrose
Summary: Ice and metal. Pidge is alone, but she's going to be okay. 
She just has to grasp the journal a little tighter.
***
In which Pidge finds things and looks at her situation.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is a very quick (by writing standards anyway) oneshot I thought of last night that i decided to write before continuing my LOK/VLD crossover i'm working on. I love Pidge, and love to explore her character. So, I hope you enjoy, even though I'm not fully happy with the outcome.
> 
>  
> 
> *** I never mention this but I don't have a beta reader so sorry for any grammar mistakes or general mehness.

Pidge woke with a start.

 

Green was humming woefully around her, mentally limping as they moved along. They were out in space, nothing new, but there was a definitive lack of of four other giant metal lions as well as four other voices filling her comms. Dread pooled into the small paladin’s stomach as she groped for the controls on the dash. What happened? Where was she?

 

The first question was answered as she recalled the wormhole incident. Screams and cries was all she could fully recall before she had been plucked out of her flight path. Sometime during that she must have passed out, only to end up…

 

Again. She didn’t know. But she couldn’t help but think it seemed familiar. A few asteroids breezed by her.

 

Then she saw it.

 

Kerberos.

 

“How…,” she trailed off, rubbing her eyes vigorously. The Green Lion offered no response, but flew her way to the notorious hunk of rock. Setting down with anything but ease, and powering down enough to enter sleep mode. Green needed to repair herself as best as she could, so Pidge didn’t dare fight her on the decision.

 

A feeling in her gut tugged, similar to a feeling she got when a storm was coming. 

 

Frowning, Pidge tried her comms one more time, but only picked up static. It was time to get up and explore a bit after looking over Green. The silence was thick and unnerving, and her heart was starting to race.

 

She needed a distraction.

 

It was odd. Setting down with such ease on the place her brother and father had gushed about for months after finding out they had been given the amazing opportunity to fly there. The thought sent a pain through Pidge’s chest, and she began to imagine what it would have been like to go with them. She had wanted to back then, a lot. She loved space just as much as them, and was infatuated with the idea of space travel.

 

Now they were gone, and she was standing on Kerberos. With a giant mechanical, magical green lion that spoke to her telepathically. That was also too damaged to actually do that.

 

So, in many senses of the word, she was alone.

 

Alone on the last place she knew her family had been. Millions of miles away from her mother. Trillions and maybe more from her crew. 

 

And she was scared.

 

She was so, so scared.

 

Space was beautiful, but it was vast. She could cry and scream all she wanted, but it would only be swallowed by the void. Her hands balled together and she angrily kicked a rock, but she moved too slow for it to do anything.

 

Stupid low gravity.

 

Green didn’t look too great. She had dents all along her back, and a few wires were hanging out of her right, back leg. Her usual bright eyes had grown dim. It made Pidge aware of the pain in her side, having probably been thrown back in her seat too roughly. It was going to be a big bruise.

 

A weak purr resounded in Pidge’s mind before the mighty metal beast finally powered down. She needed rest, her paladin knew. But that didn’t mean she was any less frightened at the complete silence.

 

“I’ll be back, girl. We’ll figure things out when I get back, okay?” Her words cut through the void like a knife against paper. No response.

 

But she trusted Green.

 

With a final pat to her hull, Pidge began to make her way across the icy surface of Kerberos. Searching. For what? She didn’t know, but she resolved to not think about it.

 

***

 

How long had it been? An hour? Two? The slow pace she went at didn’t help her nerves. She hadn’t found anything besides even bigger blocks of ice and the occasional hole. Had she been hoping for signs of life? A little. An ice crab at that point would have been better than nothing.

 

The white surface reminded her of Allura’s hair, and Shiro’s little tuft that hung over his forehead. She chuckled hollowly.

 

She hadn’t been prepared for this. Sure, she wasn’t the most social person, but she’d give anything for one of Hunk’s hugs as she stood there. Even one of Lance’s horrible pick-up lines would be great. Anything. Anything besides the silence and the cold.

 

And it was very cold on Kerberos.

 

Of course, her suit kept her safe from the full on freezing temperatures, but she couldn’t help the occasional shiver that wracked her body.

 

She could use of of Keith’s fire beams.

 

Another chuckle.

 

***

 

A few more hours passed before she spotted something glinting in the ice. Something silver. And shiny.

 

And not ice.

 

This time she utilized her jet pack, her stomach flipping at the sudden speed. It was SOMETHING. 

 

When she landed next to it, she found it was some type of small canister. It was a cylinder, not much bigger than her bicep, and was covered in a layer of ice and dented a little at the top.

 

She could also make out the letters “MATT HOLT” on its side.

 

Pidge had never used her bayard so ruthlessly before, she was sure of it.

 

As she finally peeled the thing out its icy prison, she recalled her brother mentioning how they were each allowed to take a few tiny things with them when they went to Kerberos as comfort items. Which would be kept in a small, metal casing. He must have dropped it when he had been captured, which only made her blood boil.

 

It was heavy in her hands.

 

She unlocked the latch.

 

When had her hands started shaking?

 

Her hand fit easily inside, with a bit of room to spare. She felt around a bit first before pulling out the smallest object. It felt stringy as she lifted it.

 

She choked down a sob.

 

Of course he took it. Of course her stupid, loving, doofus of a brother took it. That silly necklace she had made for him in kindergarten that had a mess of glitter and uncooked pasta that he had declared was a work of art. That mess of an accessory he had worn everyday, even in high school, no matter how many times she begged him not too. It even broke once and the piece of duct tape he had used to fix it stuck out like a sore thumb.

 

After cradling it for a moment, Pidge slipped it onto her neck.

 

The next thing were two pictures. One of the entire Holt family in ugly Christmas sweaters. Matt and their dad were wearing fake reindeer antlers, and Pidge could be seen hiding a cookie behind her back. She had been eight then. They all were wearing bright smiles, her mom’s eyes were squinted as joy filled her features. Matt had given Pidge a large stuffed rabbit that Christmas.

 

She slept with it every night back home. It was a light brown color with blue button eyes and large floppy ears. Pidge wasn’t able to wrap her arms all the way around it, and it took up half her bed.

 

A drop of water hit the inside of her visor before she realized she was crying.

 

The other picture was of him and Shiro. They were side-hugging while they each held up a piece of paper that declared they would be going on the Kerberos mission. Their mouths were open in toothy grins, and their faces red from what she assumed had been joyful laughter. He had sent the same picture to Pidge and their mother with the words “We’re going!!” scribbled on the side with dark blue pen. She could remember the surprised shout her mother had released after seeing it before she crumbled into crying and blubbering with a mixture of pride and fear.

 

Pidge could also remember the day her father and brother came home before the mission. How big he was smiling, but also the small falters in his step and the nervous clenching of his fists. How he had sat down next to her on the couch after their parents had gone to bed and let the gates flood open. How he told her about how terrified he was. How he felt so much pressure from everyone.

 

She remembered how she hugged him tight, told him it was normal and fine to feel those things, but that he could do it. Because he was her brother. He was smart and strong, and he could do it. She knew with the utmost certainty.

 

Had she been wrong? Had she been wrong to tell him those things? Would he still be safe in their home if she hadn’t? Would she still be able to wake up every morning and see him, and to hear him wish her luck at school? Would he tease her about finding someone like he had done so many times before?

 

_No, because the Galra would have killed everyone anyway. ___

 

It was the startling truth. The fact is, if Matt and their dad hadn’t been captured, she would have most likely would have never found Voltron, and Earth would have been doomed anyway. She would have never met Allura or Coran. Not even Lance or Hunk, much less Keith. Green wouldn’t have even existed in her world.

 

How messed up is that?

 

Very, Pidge decided. It was very messed up.

 

But she couldn’t change it. 

 

And, perhaps the most crushing part about it, if she had the option to change it she wouldn’t be able to. Not in good conscience. Not when she knew Matt wouldn’t if he was in her shoes.

 

Steeling herself, Pidge finally removed the last item. 

 

It was a small, dense, leather-bound journal. Something their mother had given him when he came to the last semester at the Garrison. She had said that his life was going to drastically change and that he should record as much as he could. A pen was clipped to the back.

 

It was worn with use.

 

Pidge’s heart melted.

 

It was Matt. Not him in the flesh, but in essence. The frayed edges were his frustrations, the clean cover was his caring and loving nature, and the words were his thoughts and insecurities. 

 

Hesitantly, Pidge flipped it open to the first page to be greeted with a short entry. Written in her brothers chicken scratch that she had long since learned how to read.

 

\--/--/--

Mom gave me this to write in. To be honest,  
I don’t really know what? First things first though:  
Katie, if you find this, put it down. Respect your elders!!

 

\--/--/-- __

 

Pidge laughed and cried at the same time, causing a hiccup to rip out of her throat. She skipped ahead to further into his semester, not quite ready to read all of the journal.

 

Finals are killing me, but Shiro is helping me  
a lot! I thought he was gonna be like one of those  
football player jock types when I first saw him, but he’s really smart.

 

\--/--/--

 

I saw a tiny bird today. It’s nice to see one all the way out in the  
desert and actually alive. Haha.  
I don’t think this is what mom had in mind when she gave me this journal.

 

\--/--/--

 

A fight broke out at lunch today.  
I thought high school was over.

 

\--/--/-- __

 

Matt wrote like he commented on movies. Silly and mindless, but hoping that it was at least a little funny. Tears were staining Pidge’s cheeks and her chest hurt from the way she was breathing. 

 

She flipped to a couple pages before the end of the entries.

 

\--/--/--

Today is the day. I’m terrified. I thought I was never going to let Katie go.  
Dad is really excited, but I can tell he feels the same. We’re going to be so far  
away. I won’t be able to hug mom for a while, or tease Katie.  
I won’t be able to see the tiny birds out in the desert.

 

There are so many things I want to say, but I can’t seem to find the words.  
Shiro said writing helps. He doesn’t know I already do that. I’m glad he’s coming  
though. It puts me at ease a little.

 

For now, I’m gonna go look up at the stars. I’m going to be their neighbor soon,  
after all.

 

\--/--/--

 

I think this is what mom meant. I’m at the launch pad, I snuck away to write this.

 

My life is about to drastically change.

 

And I don’t know what to say.

 

But, I think when I come back, I’m going to give this journal to Katie.

 

\--/--/-- __

 

Pidge took a deep breathe after reading the last sentence. No. She didn’t want the journal to end. It COULDN”T end. There was two pages of entries left, and then the rest was blank. She contemplated stopping, and saving the last words for later. They could always be read at a different time.

 

But she felt she needed to read them, there and then.

 

So, she did.

 

\--/--/--

Dear, Katie

 

I’m up in the stars. Crazy, huh? We’ve talked about this for years  
and I can’t wait for you to experience it. 

 

But, I think I need to tell you some things first. Words of encouragement, maybe?

 

Life is hell. It’s gonna throw you through hoops and sometimes even hurricanes. Sometimes you’re going to feel alone.

 

But you won’t be.

 

Remember that you have me, dad, mom, and friends who are willing to help you. It’s cheesy sounding, I know. But it’s true, okay?

 

Sometimes your instincts can help you more than logic. If you feel something is going to get you into trouble, run away if you feel the need. And if you think you should run towards something-- do it. Tell me if you need a running buddy.

 

Scream and cry if you need to. You’re stubborn just like dad. Mom and I are the softies, haha. But, occasionally you need to let things out. Don’t keep it bottled up. It’s bad for your skin!!

 

Also, cherish those who come into your life and actively help you. Cherish those who make you laugh, cry, or experience any kind of emotion. You learn things from them. Good or bad, you learn. Trust in yourself if you feel the need to grab onto them and hold them close.

 

Wow, heh. This got a lot longer than I thought. Of course, I’ve written longer, but you’re my bratty little sister! I don’t even know if I really wanna give this to you yet. I’ve written some embarrassing stuff in here. 

 

Who am I kidding, though?

 

(PS: The stars are great listeners.) __

 

\--/--/-- 

 

The cold was gripping tightly to the green paladin. Kerberos felt as if it had gone still during her reading. Perhaps, it was numb like her.

 

She stood on shaky legs, grabbing the canister as she did so. Placing the journal and pictures in it for her trek back to Green. The metal seemed to grow dull as she walked, and her eyes bore into the great void.

 

The stars are great listeners. __

 

The tiny, white specks glowed as she thought. After an hour or so, her feet planted themselves to the ground and didn’t move. Her chest was tight and her eyes burned.

 

Don’t keep it bottled up. __

 

She screamed. 

 

And continued screaming. Until her chest wasn’t so tight, and tears were flowing once more. She pointed herself in the direction of a cluster of stars and let it pour out. Her throat grew raw, and her screams were only swallowed by space.

 

But the stars listened.

 

***

 

Green looked a lot better. Most of the dents were gone, and the wires had righted themselves. Pidge was positive she still needed to work, but the lion wasn’t acting like a wounded animal anymore. She was laying on her stomach, her head outstretched to lay on the ice so Pidge could approach when ready. Waiting patiently.

 

The green paladin stared at her companion for a while, finding comfort in the soft purring that had once again found a nice spot in the back of her mind. Green seemed curious of the canister in Pidge’s hand. But the girl was sure the other already knew everything, and the curiosity was more of an invitation to talk about it.

 

But Pidge’s throat hurt, her face was red, and she was cold. Neither Hunk or Shiro were there to offer a hug. Neither Lance or Keith were there to give a distraction. And neither Allura or Coran were there to share in her horrible homesickness.

 

And it was still silent. The stars had done their part. As silly as it seemed, she didn’t want to ask anymore of them in fear she’d seem greedy.

 

An image of her mother popped into her head. It took Blue seconds to get to Kerberos from Earth. So, maybe-

 

No.

 

If she went back now, she doubted she’d be strong enough to leave. And to return without Matt and her dad? Unthinkable.

 

With a final glance towards the stars on the icy surface, Pidge climbed back into the cockpit. However, Green knew to remain lying down.

 

Her pilot was not quite ready to leave.

 

Opening the canister once again, Pidge pulled out the journal and took the pen in hand, flipping to the page after the last entry. And wrote:

 

\--/--/--

Dear Matt

 

I’m going to find you. I’m going to take you home. I’m going to show you life beyond the stars. The life I have seen. The life I’m helping save.

 

I’m a paladin of Voltron now. 

 

To be honest, I still don’t fully know what that means. But I know I have to be strong, and I need to stay focused. I’m going to write in this journal every chance I get. So that when I find you, it will feel you’ve hardly missed anything after you’ve read it.

 

You will see the tiny birds in the desert again.

 

I have no idea what I’m going to do, but I’m going to figure it out. Hopefully.

 

I’m terrified. But that’s okay, right?

 

By the way, you were right. The stars are good listeners. __

 

\--/--/--

 

There was silence in the cockpit of the Green Lion as her paladin flipped through a few more past entries. Allowing herself to cry a couple more times, and laugh when she needed to. Though, she eventually closed the journal and tucked it in a safe spot for later. She also grabbed out the two pictures from earlier and taped them to the wall closest by her. Her smiling family staring at her happily.

 

And she was certain Shiro would be glad to see the other picture.

 

Picking up on her cue, Green started up and took flight, figuring Pidge wasn’t in much of a condition to fly herself. But that was alright, because her paladin was smiling again, if just slightly. They had no idea where they were going, but they’d figure it out. Together.

 

They were terrified. They felt pressured. Time was ticking by far too fast.

 

That was normal. Maybe not exactly fine or okay, but it was normal.

 

And Pidge had some people to find.

 

“Hey, Green,” she whispered, her smile growing the slightest bit brighter and her voice hoarse, “did you know Shiro once dared Matt to eat a raw chilli pepper?”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm hoping to have the first chapter of the LOK/VLD fic up before or during Thanksgiving Break. :)
> 
> My tumblr in case you need/want to know: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/uncaringrose
> 
> Though, I may make a different one later. Stay tuned.


End file.
